Papa, your passing stings and hurts to the very core of my soul. Yes, I have my faith and I know that you are present with Jesus and restored to the way that God had intended before sin entered this world. Regardless, I am hurt deeply and feel this great eternal distance between us. This is the same feeling I felt when Nanny passed away. Yes, I have learned to live, laugh, and enjoy the life that God has given me, but your death is a reminder that the grave robs us of so much!
I'm comforted in knowing that God saved us and called us to be in his eternal family, though eternal adoption as children of God and that nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus; NOT EVEN DEATH (Romans 8:38-39)! I am grateful that you and Nanny adopted me and Eric! We are your sons! Because of this, I feel a more intimate warmth and understanding of the scriptures that describe our salvation as an adoption into the family of God.
Often times I didn't act like a son. I acted like an orphan, always testing how far I could push the boundaries of your love to see if I really belonged as a son in your house. I cursed you, said hateful things, robbed you of sleep and peace. As much as I made myself unlovable, you pressed in beyond ordinary love. You showed me that I am valued as a son and that nothing I could ever do would revoke my sonship or your love. When I struggled with my identity, my past, my trauma, you were patient and kind. You weren't perfect, but yours and Nanny's love for us was the closest thing to heavenly love I had ever experienced. Your love prepared me to receive Jesus.
I remembered when you and Nanny got baptized and committed yourselves to Jesus. My heart was hardened and I didn't attend your baptism, which I very much regret. Nanny tried to share the gospel with me, the truth of God's love and I rejected it like a devil. I was hateful to her all the way until her death. Still, she said that one day I would do great things for Jesus. I didn't believe her, but thankfully, it wasn't up to me to make it come true. A year after she passed, her words echoed strong in my soul. God was calling me and he used her death as an opportunity to shake me to my very core.
I'm grateful that you lived to see Jesus transform my life and call me into ministry. I remember when I first came to you and told you that I believed in Jesus and we prayed together. It is a moment that I will never forget. Never before had I prayed with you or had conversations about God with you. Although, growing up we lived as if God was absent in our lives, he was always present with us. He was preparing us.
I thank God that you were able to know Jodi, Joseph, and Isaiah. I have taken this love that God has given us and changed our family tree! My sons will never live the life I lived! My sons will pass this love onto their children! My sons know what it's like to have a father! My sons drink from living waters! They will worship Jesus forever, even through the stormy weather, or in the calm of the palm of his hand, from boys to men, on God's word they will stand.
I am grateful to God that you got to see me to go college and get my master's in social work and see me pursue seminary. I'm thankful to God that you got to see how God used my past trauma to help struggling families. I'm thankful to God that I was able to share all the stories of the abused children that God saved and families that he restored through my work in Christ Jesus. I thank God that I was able to tell you about the families I work with in Vietnam and all the places around the world that God has taken me! I'm thankful to God that you got to see the best years of my life! I can't make up for the hurt and pain that I caused, but I don't have to, because JESUS HAS RECONCILED IT ALL THROUGH THE CROSS!
Our story is God's story. You have left a legacy of faith that will carry on to many generations of Pafford's! When I think about eternity with Jesus, I really don't have a long time until we are together again. With that in mind, I will see you soon.
Your son,
Kurt
